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Daniel Passini

April 10, 2018

Conflict Resolution In Marriage

Photo by frank mckenna on Unsplash

When conflict arises there is typically a “winner” and a “loser.” I know, and can admit, I have a bad habit of wanting to be right when there’s some sort of disagreement. As I continually grow and mature, I have garnered a few tools to help with conflict that fosters relationship rather than division. One such tool is the “101 rule” for conflict resolution. It is especially valuable in marriage, but is applicable in any situation.

What is the 101 Rule?

I picked this up from one of my graduate classes, and thought I would pass it on to you, because I see the incredible value in this approach.

What is the “101 rule” for conflict resolution you ask? It’s simple really.

Find one thing (or 1%) in common that you can come together on, and then give it 100% of your effort.

In his book The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey refers to this as finding the third alternative. The first alternative being I win, you lose. The next being I lose, you win. The third alternative being I win, you win.

The 101 rule helps you to seek a third alternative when conflict arises.

Example From Scripture

When Jesus met the Samaritan woman at the well He could have chastised her for her lifestyle and behavior. He could have sent her away because of her bloodline. He could have dismissed her on the very fact that he was a male in a very patriarchal society. Instead he found the one thing in common, the water, and he built upon that. He used the water metaphor as a means to foster relationship. This was the one thing that He gave 100% effort to.

What happened because of it? She ran and told the whole town, and it says that many believed in Him because of it. He used this same method to talk about the tax collectors, prostitutes, and adulterers that he interacted with.

Conflict Resolution In Marriage

What is the conflict in your marriage? Nothing? Well, you’re better than most, nay every other couple. Conflict doesn’t have to be a knock-down drag-out fight. Sometimes conflict is deciding where to eat. Sometimes conflict is deciding who does the dishes, or where to move to. Then, sometimes conflict is the passionate and emotional struggle between two people with different viewpoints and ideas.

The 101 rule allows you to find one small thing to agree on and then give it your all. There is a cliche saying that says, “Marriage isn’t 50/50. It’s 100/100.” This is exactly what the win/win scenario is.

You can allow conflict and struggle to divide you. You can keep sweeping it under the rug until eventually you trip over it and do more damage; or you can seek resolution and forward momentum.

When you apply the 101 rule, you are looking for the win/win for both parties. You are both finding the common ground to foster relationship and build upon.

Christ-centered conflict resolution is a matter of dying to the self, and allowing Christ to live through you. The self, or the flesh, will always raise its ugly head against the Spirit to create and keep conflict. It’s our job to kill it, and allow the Lord to bring resolution.

Trust me when I say, I’m no poster boy for mastering conflict resolution. Honestly sometimes I suck at it, but like Paul said, “not that I have already obtained it, but I press on toward the goal.”

Will you press on with me?

We can choose to stay stagnant in our relationships, or we can choose to press on and get better. If you begin to make intentional steps forward in our interactions with each other, you can make a huge difference in how you develop the culture of your home.

This approach is one small way to strengthen your marriage relationship. Put it to the test and let me know how it works for you.

February 24, 2018

3 Rules For Engaging Difficult In-Laws

How do you engage your difficult in-laws? When you get married you don’t just marry your spouse, you marry their whole family. Some are good, some are great, and still others are worse than your nightmares. I have seen first hand how family can kill a marriage before it even really gets going. Here are 3 rules for engaging difficult in-Laws.

Fortunately I have been blessed with hands down the best in-laws, and I tell people this all the time. They are the greatest, and they are our best friends. Not only have they blessed my wife and I tremendously throughout our marriage, but they have also accepted me as their own son since day one. Actually, my father-in-law picked me out, but that is another story for another day.

Sadly many people are not this fortunate. If you are in the situation of dealing with difficult in-laws, here is some helpful rules that can help foster healthier relationships.

 

3 Rules For Engaging Difficult In-Laws

 

1. Don’t address the problem with the opposite family member. Allow your spouse to handle their family.

Even though my wife and I got married quite quickly, we still had a premarital counseling session with our pastor. But one of the things that has always stuck with us since that session that we always try and abide by, is that if we have a problem with one of our in laws, that person does not address the in-law concerning it.

While I have great connection with my wife’s family, there is the occasional “rub” that needs to be dealt with. There is something about the spouse interacting with a troubling family member that raises the tension even higher. It is better to let your spouse handle his or her own family.

If you have a problem with a member of your spouse’s family address that concern during your daily intimate conversation. If you allow it to fester without ever coming to the surface, trouble will ensue when the lump under the rug creates a stumbling hazard for your marriage.

 

2. Seek to see the situation from the in-laws’ perspective.

Your spouse grew up in a different home, with a different lifestyle, and a different worldview. Even though your in-laws may be annoying to you, they care about their family. Whether it is the nosey mother in law, the gossiping sister in law, or the overbearing father in law, they may just be thinking about their son, daughter, or sibling.

Is this the case every time? Of course not. Seek to see the situation from their perspective. If you and your spouse both see the situation differently than the in laws, you have the right and freedom as a married couple to do things your way. If you want to be successful when engaging difficult family memebers, you have to be on the same page when it comes to what you want and how you will address the issue with them.

When you become married you are no longer under the tutelage of your parents.

For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh. – Gen. 2:24

This is that whole “leave and cleave” thing. Your relationship with your spouse has now become the most important relationship to you, outside of Christ. Becoming one flesh is more than just sex, it is a coming together as a whole within your marriage.

When you see the matter from the family member’s perspective you put yourself in a place to create a win/win situation for your family as a whole. Once you have garnered their viewpoint, have the spouse of who’s family it is address the issue with their family.

 

3. Seek to live at peace with everyone.

Paul instructs us in his letter to the Romans,

If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men. – Romans 12:18

It is your job to be an instigator of love. If Christ is living through you, your relationship will strive for peace, love, and harmony between yourself and your in-laws. Trust me, you cannot do it on your own. Christ must do it.

Do you have to listen to everything your they tell you? No, but you can be respectful, you can be polite, and you can instigate peace.

As I said earlier, my in-laws are our best friends. We have garnered a great deal of wisdom from their knowledge. Have there been times we made our own judgment call? Yes, but along the way they have taught us immeasurable amounts of wisdom.

 

Is everyone going to be as blessed as I am when it comes to in-laws? Most likely not. As I said, I have seen marriages end because of in-laws that are worse than nightmares. However, I believe if you will take these 3 steps to foster those relationships you can change the climate of your family interactions. You can make your nightmare relationships into a pleasant reality by being mature and an incarnator of Christ’s life.

June 16, 2017

4 Of The Most Powerful Words Every Parent Should Say To Their Children

As a parent your words are powerful. The Bible tells us, you have the power to speak life or death to your children (Proverbs 18:21). Of all the words you can speak, I believe there are four that can be among the most powerful to your child.

I’ve shared before that I grew up in a broken and abusive home. Many of the words that were spoken were harsh, negative, and abusive. It affected my self worth, how I viewed relationships, and how I interacted with the world around me.

As a young man there were many times I contemplated suicide, but there were four words that were spoken to me by someone outside my home that left a powerful impact on my life and my spirit. Here’s a little insight into this man.

I’m proud of you

My parents were divorced and my father lived in another state. We didn’t have much of a relationship, if any at all. So there wasn’t a father figure in my home to lead me and speak into my life. I thank God that after I got saved the Lord brought many spiritual fathers into my life, one in particular. His name is Steve, and Steve was a youth sponsor and someone I looked up to.

Every time I saw him he would give me a hug and say four words to me (or some variation of them):

I’m proud of you.

Even after I would give him a hug coming in to church and him telling me, I would hug him again before I left, and he would ask me, “Have I told you I’m proud of you?”

Those four words were enough encouragement to keep a young depressed teenager in a rough home alive and pressing on. Fast-forward fifteen years. When my wife and I moved back home and opened a gym, Steve was one of our clients. Everyday from when he started attending until our business closed he did the same thing. Steve gave me a hug, and uttered those same 4 words, “I’m proud of you.”

While Steve wasn’t my father in the flesh, he was and is a father in the spirit. His words spoke life to my spirit. It drove me to continually want to do and be better. I wanted to honor his view of me.

What you accomplish

These four powerful words should come from the parent, but sometimes, like in my case, they came from a spiritual father.

Your kids will always have their share of critics, but you should not be one of them. Encourage and love them. – John Finch

When you tell your child you are proud of them, you accomplish 5 things in their life.

You:

  • Speak life to their spirit
  • Increase their self-confidence
  • Increase their self-worth
  • Strengthen the bond of your relationship
  • You inspire them to want to be better

My father-in-law of almost 13 years is another spiritual father, and guess what, he regularly utters those same exact words. They accomplish the same effect. They spur me onward.

These four words were never spoken as a means to bolster pride within me. They were never as a means to praise me for something I did that makes no eternal difference.

They were spoken as an encouragement of life. I was moving in the right direction towards the Lord. I was making positive decisions and taking positive action in life. I wasn’t letting a rough home life make me in to a negative statistic.

I don’t share this as a means to say I needed a pat on the back, but to show you how powerful your words can be. You can change the life of a child, your child.

When they try and fail.

When they succeed.

When they rise above difficult situations.

Most importantly, when they seek Christ’s life above everything else.

Hug them and whisper in their ear four powerful words:

I’m proud of you.

I believe these words reflect the Father’s heart for His children. He desires to spur us on to love and good works (Heb. 10:24). He desires to see us press on towards the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus (Phil. 3:14).

Don’t withhold encouragement in the Lord from your children. Speak life into their spirit on every front, and at every opportunity.

When was the last time you told your kids “I’m proud of you?”

September 25, 2016

Don’t Awaken Love Before Its Time

id-10034210
image courtesy of freedigitalphotos.net

If you look around at mainstream media, marketing, and the social climate you may have noticed that we live in a sexually charged society here in America. Today’s kids aren’t as naïve and blind as they are often thought of. Unfortunately too many of these young children are awakening love before its time.

 

Some Stats

The CDC found that between 2011 and 2013 the mean age for first time sexual intercourse for men was 16.8, and 17.2 for women. These stats show an average.

These stats do not point out the very young age at which some children are engaging in sex. Sadly, I know of children who have engaged in such acts as young as 10 and 11.

Now this is not meant to be a statistical dissertation on sexual activity of young children so let’s move on.

 

Don’t Awaken Love Before Its Time

Three times in Song of Solomon we are given the cautious guidance to not awaken love before its time (marriage). (Song of Solomon 2:7; 3:5; 8:4)

I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, By the gazelles or by the hinds of the field, That you do not arouse or awaken my love Until she pleases.

Solomon’s bride understood the commandments to keep the wedding bed for marriage, but beyond this she understood the importance of why she should.

We can read and recite the Do’s and Don’ts of when to have sex from the Bible all day long, but your children need to know the Why’s. They need to understand that love is a garden and when foxes are allowed in they will eat the finest fruit and trample the blossoms. (Explore Song of Solomon for greater understanding of this analogy.)

Sex outside of marriage is a detriment to future relationships. When love is awakened before its time, it can destroy a person mentally, emotionally, and even spiritually. This is not meant to down play the restorative work of the Holy Spirit in any way.

Your child’s virginity is the most “precious fruit in the garden.” Once it is taken, it is gone. It is a precious gift that by design is meant for a spouse.

We have become a microwave society, an institution of instant gratification. Children need to learn the most rewarding gifts often come through patience and diligence.

Sex is not made for men and women, it is made for husband and wife. The greatest of sexual rewards comes from soulful unity between a bride and bridegroom.

Our society would have us believe that sexual exploration is the reward in itself. In reality the integrity and satisfaction that comes with saving yourself for your spouse on your wedding night far exceeds momentary and passing pleasures.

We should not lay aside the costly effects and risks of pregnancy, STD, and social shaming that can also arise from awakening love before its time.

I would encourage every parent to read, and then have your young teenager read The Mingling Of Souls. In it Matt Chandler does a superb job of dissecting the entire process from dating to marriage and beyond through the lens of Song of Solomon.

One of the greatest gifts you can give to your children is the understanding of why they should not awaken love before its time. Instill it within them as a valuable precious jewel, so they desire to not awaken love before its time.

 

June 26, 2016

Marginalizing Men: 3 Ways A Wife Can Kill A Father’s Role

ID-10034460 photostock
image courtesy of freedigitalphotos.net

“He just doesn’t get it.” “He doesn’t know how to nurture.” “He’s too stubborn and hard headed.” I get it, I’m a man and we do nurture differently than you. Ladies, the greatest mistake you can make though, is marginalizing the man in your family.

Ladies this article is just for you. You are the nurturer and the caretaker of your home. Your soft gentle nature makes you the one your child runs to when they fall down. When they hurt because someone was mean to them, you hold them and console them.

I’ve seen it too many times. Dad is talking to child after a fall or a tough encounter and mom rushes in to console her baby. I’m sure he probably said something like, “Rub some dirt on it. It’ll be okay.” What is that? That’s not nurturing your child!?

Maybe you see him playing with the kids a little rougher than you would like, or tossing them higher than you are comfortable with. It may not be your way of doing it, but all of these things serve a purpose.

It can be tempting to rush in when your husband is helping, playing with, or consoling the child in his own way (a.k.a. not your way). When you do, it causes an unseen rift in the familial unit. This is part of the duality of creation: firm, straight forward, and maybe a little rougher from a father, and soft and nurturing from the mother.

There are 3 specific ways you harm your family when you marginalize the man in your family.

 

You Take Away His God Given Role In Creation

When you marginalize your husband by taking away the opportunity for him to be present in his own way in your child’s life, you take away his God given ability to impact them from his side of creation. Men and women have a role to play, and they each must be allowed to play that role.

Children have to learn and understand that the world is a tough place. Fathers provide a glimpse at the reality the world holds with their firm and rougher nature, while mothers (you) provide the softer side of creation, the nurturing side.

 

You Diminish His Will And His Role

When you sideline your husband’s approach to problem solving, playing, or helping in your child’s life, you diminish his will and his role not only as father, but as husband as well.

Why should he help in the future?

Why should he come to the rescue later?

If he knows that everything he does will be marginalized and pushed to the side because it’s not sensitive enough, nurturing enough, or it’s not done to a specific standard, his will and desire to do it in the future diminishes with each account.

Again, men and women each have a role to play in the home. The more men are marginalized, the more complacent they become. The more they hang out in the recliner.

 

You Heap Upon Yourself A Greater Burden

While it may not be the way you would do it, you are co-laborers together in marriage and in life. When you marginalize your husband’s ability and way of tending to your children you only heap a greater burden upon yourself.

Work together to handle problems with your children. There is a natural God given duality in creation that needs to be there. When you take that away because “mommy blog xyz” tells you that you need to nurture your children more, you are undermining God’s plan for not only creation, but families as well.

Now this is not a free pass to have Him do everything either. You each play a vital role in the mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual health of your children.

Fight the temptation to rush in when your husband is not nurturing the way you think it should be done. He is doing it differently. He should be. Work together to establish boundaries, and create a home filled with balance.

April 29, 2016

WHEN HAPPILY EVER AFTER DOESN’T COME

Photo Credit: SosyalRSS via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: SosyalRSS via Compfight cc

We often envision in our minds living out our marriages like the characters of a Disney movie. But what happens when happily ever after doesn’t come?

We never plan to have a failing marriage. We never plan to have a bad relationship, but just as Benjamin Franklin said, “if you fail to plan, you plan to fail.”

If your marriage is not falling into the happily ever after category, fear not. There is hope. I believe no marriage is beyond resurrection and new life. There is hope in Christ to restore your relationship and make it powerful.

The Spirit And The Flesh

First survey the Spirit, the soul, and the flesh. Scripture tells us the Spirit and the flesh are constantly at battle.

For the flesh sets its desire against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; for these are in opposition to one another – Galatians 5:17

The Spirit, Christ’s spirit, dwells in our inner most man with our spirit. We must be humbled; our flesh or “the self” has to be broken and allow His Spirit to come forth.

Is your flesh acting out against your spouse, or is the Spirit living through you to love them?

The Soul

Next, survey your soul. The soul consists of your mind, your will, and your emotions. What are you telling yourself in the theater of your mind about your marriage?

Are you not happy because your spouse has failed to meet an expectation you had for your relationship?

Are you not happy in your marriage because you have allowed one situation to drain your relationship of all of its happiness, and you have carried it over in the remainder of your relationship?

Your mindset makes an incredible difference. What you tell yourself in the theater of your mind is what you believe in your heart, and out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks, and your actions display.

If you are telling yourself in your mind that you have a bad marriage, try resetting your thinking. Set your mind on Christ (Col. 3:2). Have Him renew your mind (Rom. 12:2).

Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things. – Philippians 4:8

Why did Paul tell us this? He said it because he knew that when we dwell on the negative things around us it would destroy us. It will destroy our relationships.

In the book Saving Your Marriage Before (Or After) It Starts, Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott discuss developing the habit of happiness.

Developing the habit of happiness involves “developing the right attitude in spite of the circumstances we find ourselves in.”

He also states, “happy couples decide to be happy.”

Determine in your will you will have a great marriage. Set your mind and your emotions to love your spouse as Christ loves the Church. (This goes for husbands and wives).

Happily ever after starts with you.

No matter where your relationship is today you can have a powerful marriage. Know this, your marriage is a sign post. It is a sign post of eternity, and a collision of heaven and earth. It is a symbol and a shadow of the coming together of Christ and the Bride. Do not allow the circumstances of life to destroy that sign post to the world around you.

You can have a greater marriage. You can have a powerful marriage, even if happily ever after doesn’t look like the movies.

March 13, 2016

WHAT’S BEFORE THEIR EYES?

image courtesy of Moritz Peterson on Flickr
image courtesy of Moritz Peterson on Flickr

Everywhere you go you can see children of all ages holding an iphone, ipad, holding some sort of smart device, or sitting in front of a TV. The screens have their attention more than anything else, and I would ask what’s before their eyes?

I recently wrote on this on my own blog in reference to our adult lives and our walk with the Lord, but it got me thinking about the children of today and what parents are putting in front of them.

As a parent you have the great honor and responsibility to call greatness out of your child. What you teach them and speak into their life are seeds for fruit of the future.

Psalm 101:3 David made a declaration to the Lord,

I will set no worthless thing before my eyes.

David declared this because he knew the worthless things held no value for his life, as well as his walk with the Lord.

 

Planting Seeds

Every word you say and lesson you teach your children can be quickly undone with the time they spend with worthless things before them.

It is often said, “the eyes are the window to the soul.” This is truer than we know. What we view begins to be replayed in the theater of our minds. What we tell ourselves in the theater of our minds becomes what we believe in our hearts, and out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. (Matt 12:34) This is why Jesus said to even look at a woman lustfully was the same as committing adultery (Matt 5:28).

I say this because when we allow children to spend their time with worthless things before them, it is planting a seed for future fruit in their lives.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying never let them have some down time. But what can we put in front of them today to produce greater fruit in their life tomorrow?

 

Calling Out Greatness

I get to interact with teachers and parents almost everyday, and one thing I am a firm believer in is that greatness has to be called out of children. I share this with them regularly. If they are allowed to, most children today will just hang out in front of the TV or stare in to the little blue screen in their hands.

I thank God that he redeemed me from a broken and abusive home. I had men and women outside my home that spoke life into me and directed me to the Lord. I remember at one particular time, someone made the comment that I could be the next Michael Jordan, or the next Billy Graham, or the next Thomas Edison.

The very fact that they believed that I could be great, made me believe it. I have strived since then to leave a lasting impact on my world because someone believed in me enough to call out greatness from within me. For me that impact has been centered around impacting this world for the Lord.

Your children are not here to just take up space and use up resources, and hopefully one-day turn into something great. The seeds you plant today in their life, is what calls the fruit of greatness out of them in whatever realm of life that may be in. When they have worthless things before their eyes, it plants seeds for worthless fruit.

AW Tozer said, “when you kill time, remember that it has no resurrection.”

Start today, for tomorrows harvest.

 

Begin With The End In Mind

One statement that I picked up a while ago from Dr. Stephen Covey was the concept of beginning with the end in mind. Think about that for a second. Beginning with the end in mind.

What kind of legacy do you want your kids to leave in their lifetime?

I would hope a great one, and that begins today. If they are constantly staring at a little blue screen and not spending a few moments in the Word, or exploring the world outdoors, or being challenged to learn and experience new things, the fruit will be worthless as well.

You have to begin today, with the end in mind. You don’t plant tomato seeds and expect cucumbers to grow. The seeds you plant today become the fruit you bear tomorrow. You have to begin now with the end in mind. If you want greatness from your children later, you have to call it out of them starting today.

What that looks like in your home, your neighbor’s home, and the family 1200 miles away will look completely different.

God didn’t put your children here to be a waste of space. They are called to be a reflection of Him in the various realms of life that we encounter. God desires good fruit, nay great fruit, and that great fruit comes from relationship; relationship with Him and walking by His indwelling life. That fruit of greatness will only come from the seeds you plant today.

Remove the worthless things before their eyes and choose to no longer allow your children to “kill time,” because remember, it has no resurrection. Cultivate the heart, mind, and spirit of your children today for greater fruit tomorrow.

January 18, 2016

THREE THINGS ALL CHILDREN NEED FROM THEIR PARENTS

Photo Credit: Gerard Fritz via Compfight cc
Photo Credit: Gerard Fritz via Compfight cc

As a parent you hold a great responsibility. You are bringing up a child with the hopes that they will be right with the Lord, be upstanding citizens, and hopefully make a lasting impact on the world. But what does it take to actually make that happen? Honestly, I can’t even begin to imagine the stress that must be.

Whenever I present parenting advice it is merely from an armchair philosophers point of view since my wife and I have no children of our own, but I present it from what I understand Biblically, and will put in to place if we ever do have children. So today, I share with you the three things all children need from their parents.

 

Your Children Need Your Discipline

For some reason discipline has become a “bad” word per se. I’m not talking about punishment, which is in a whole other category by itself, but discipline. Discipline is the intentional correction of a wrong behavior that leads to the growth of the individual. That’s not Webster’s version of a definition, but mine.

When you discipline your child you are pointing them in a new direction with the intention of calling greatness out of them. I am a firm believer that it is your job as a parent to call greatness out of your child, not just let them slide by in life.

Discipline is far greater than just spanking, scolding, or grounding. Discipline is the root for discipleship. Your children need you to disciple them in time management, behavior, but most of all understanding and living by an indwelling Lord.

As a parent you are called to discipline your child through correction, and if need be by spanking, but also through pointing them to a greater relationship with the Father.

We read in Proverbs 3:12 which is a reiterated in Hebrews 12:6,

“For whom the LORD loves He reproves, Even as a father corrects the son in whom he delights.”

If you truly love your children you must discipline them not only in the physical world, but the spiritual as well.

 

Your Children Need Your Grace

On the flip side of discipline, your children need your grace. Grace has also been manipulated over the years with the “hyper-grace” movements that take for granted God’s goodness to us. True grace calls us into deeper discipleship with the Lord.

Use moments when your child should be disciplined as a moment to teach grace. Paul provides us with the perfect example of grace in his letter to the Romans,

“Or do you think lightly of the riches of His kindness and tolerance and patience, not knowing that the kindness of God leads you to repentance? – Romans 2:4″

It is God’s kindness that leads us to repentance, not fear, punishment, or belittling. When you have the opportunity to show grace to your child do so intentionally. Don’t allow them just to merely “get away” with doing something. Use the opportunity for grace by explaining it to them and then point them to the Father and His grace for us in times of missing the mark.

Grace is not lackadaisical; rather it is intentional in its pursuit to draw us to a deeper revelation of the Lord. Therefore be intentional about your use of grace, but use it nonetheless.

 

Your Children Need Your Example

Finally, what I believe your children need more than your discipline or grace is your example. Children learn by example. That’s why you show them how to eat with a spoon by putting the spoon in your own mouth. You show them how to say a word by exaggerating the mouth movements. You lay out the example for them from the beginning.

Greater than each of these is the example you set with your life and your walk with the Lord. Children watch and notice more than is often credited to them. From the early stages of development through the teenage years, your children are watching and evaluating the differences or similarities between what you preach and what you live.

Your life is a walking billboard for them. The actions you display on a day-to-day basis speak louder than any message you could ever preach to them. Be intentional about setting an example of a life led by the indwelling life of Christ.

 

I thank God for his grace and redemption. I had none of these things. The discipline was just punishment. The grace was rarely there, and when it was it was not intentional. Finally, the example was also not there. My grandmother was the example I remember, and her prayers are what I believe helped redeem my life to the Lord. I came to the Lord as a young man, and although I had many struggles and foibles I learned from the example set by the men and women that I surrounded myself with.

Parents, train your child up in the way they should go and when they are old they will not depart from it (Proverbs 22:6). The greatest way you train them is by allowing Christ to live through you in the intentionality of your discipline, your grace, and most of all through your example. These are the three things all children need from their parents.

November 24, 2015

Three Reasons Your Spouse Deserves A Better You

Photo Credit: manyfires via Compfight cc
Photo Credit: manyfires via Compfight cc

Next to your walk with the Lord, your marriage is the most important relationship you have. It is vital to continue to nurture it, grow, and better yourself. Below, I want to share three reasons why I believe your spouse deserves a better you.

They Have Changed, And So Have You

Think back to when you first got married, and then look at your life now. I’m taking a shot in the dark here, but I’m going to venture to guess you both are different. Your likes and dislikes may have changed, you might have children, you have finished or gone back to school, or your careers may have changed. Whatever it may be, things are different.

If you are walking with the Lord, He is continually moving you down the road. Our personal lives are never meant to be stationary, and yet they directly impact our marriages. As you and your spouse change throughout the varying seasons of your marriage, you have to become a better you.

My wife and I got married when we were 19 and 20, respectively. If I still acted like a 20 year old now, over a decade later, we would be in trouble. Am I still immature and goof around? Of course I do, but spiritually, mentally, and emotionally I have matured. This maturity allows me to love my wife greater.

I had to become better to be a better husband. I had to make a choice to learn some hard lessons financially, spiritually, mentally, and emotionally so that I could grow in these areas. I can honestly say my love at 20 was an immature love, but today I have grown from that immaturity.

To quote Paul,

“Not that I have already obtained it or have already become perfect, but I press on so that I may lay hold of that for which also I was laid hold of by Christ Jesus.” – Philippians 3:12

I continue to pursue a greater level of maturity in my love, respect, and adoration of my wife because she deserves a better me. She deserves for me to mature and grow to love her better.

Determine to grow with your spouse, and become a better you as the days, weeks, and years go by.

Your World Has Changed

Take a look around you. Your world has most likely changed since you got married. You can’t live like you did when you were first married.

I think back on our life together. We started in a little apartment with mismatched and ugly furniture. I worked as a waiter and she worked at a retail store. We have since moved across Texas twice. We now own our second home. We have finished college and grad school. We own our own business, and much more.

When we got married, I don’t even think Facebook was around. Our world has completely changed. We cannot stay the same. We have to become better for each other.

You cannot stay the same. Not only are each of you different, but also your world is different, and because of this your spouse deserves a better you. Even in the change, find your constant or your one thing.

Although the world around us has changed, our roots have been planted in Christ. He is the wellspring for our lives and marriage. This is the constant in our lives, which causes us to grow, mature, and be better for each other. This brings me to my last point.

Stagnation Only Breeds Death And Disease

I have spoken on this before, but stagnation only breeds death and disease. When we delight ourselves in the Lord, he makes us like a tree planted by the water. A tree only stays the same until it reaches its growth potential, and even then it continues to refresh itself and bear new fruit and fresh leaves.

“But his delight is in the law of the LORD, and in His law he meditates day and night. He will be like a tree firmly planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in its season and its leaf does not wither; and in whatever he does, he prospers.” – Psalm 1:2-3

If you choose to never grow personally, in your relationship, or in your walk with the Lord, you are setting yourself up to join the already staggering statistics of divorcees.

As husband and wife your relationship should reflect the imagery of the relationship between Christ and His bride. That relationship is not stagnant, but rather ever growing.

This is just a minute representation because you alone make up only a portion of the bride of Christ; the greater your revelation (understanding) of Jesus Christ, the greater your representation of that imagery will be in the world.

Not only does your spouse deserve a better you, but a world in need of Christ also needs a better you. Above all, the Lord desires you to be better by rising above stagnation.

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