I want to be transparent. I want to point all things to Christ. I want the good in my life to reflect Christ, not me and how I parent. Trust me, if my kids are good it is because of Christ, not me.
Right now I have three little ones under five years old and I’m seven months pregnant. My 17 month old is transitioning to one nap. These transitions usually take some getting used to, but for some reason this one seems harder, more overwhelming than in the past.
I often worry that I’m not meeting everyone’s needs, that someone isn’t getting loved the right way, that the book that didn’t get read to the little one asking is going to take away their love of reading forever and it will be all my fault.
Today I sat down and cried to God, “How can I do this with four kids? Some days I feel like I’m barely getting by with three! We prayed about all these children. We left it all to you. I think you got the wrong girl. Did I somehow forget wisdom or hear you wrong?”
Yeah, it was heavy. How heavy? Well, Job crossed my mind, if that tells you anything. When I asked that last question I knew nothing but God was what I needed. I just had to stop wherever those thoughts were going and take them captive, so I grabbed my Bible, got on my knees, and opened it up, knowing that God’s Word was the giver of wisdom and understanding that I needed. I prayed God’s word back to Him – Children are a reward, a gift. (Psalms 127:3) Every good and perfect gift comes down from the Father of Heavenly lights. (James 1:17)…
I continued. I cried. I sat my Bible down and asked God to teach me, to lead me, to give me WISDOM and PEACE.
I’m so not one to just open the Bible any ole where and see what works for me today, but in desperation I did just that. It just happened to open to, of all places, the book of Job, the part where God replied to Job: “Who is this that darkens my counsel with worlds without knowledge?” (Job 38:2) I immediately felt convicted. I was darkening God’s counsel, His plans for my life without knowledge.
Job replied, “I know that you can do anything, and no one can stop you. You asked, ‘Who is this that questions my wisdom with such ignorance?’ It is I—and I was talking about things I knew nothing about, things far too wonderful for me.”
I knew I was questioning things FAR TOO WONDERFUL for me to understand. I KNOW that God has it all planned out. I know He wants this for our family. I also know that with each child I cling to him more and more because I realize how very much I need him, how I am nothing but dust without him. But what helped me more than anything were these TRUTHS:
“… you are familiar with all my ways. You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.” (Psalm 139:3,15-16)
God gave me these children KNOWING ALL MY WAYS, all my weaknesses, all my insecurities, my faults. And yet, he STILL gave them to me.
Every one of my motherhood moments was laid out for me long ago. He saw all my mishaps, failures, and sinful choices and he STILL chose me to be the mother of these specific children. Once I meditated on that, my doubts and fears changed to praises and humbleness that I get to do this. Not questioning WHY he chose me and DID HE MEAN TO, but that he DID. And ALL I have to do is ask him HOW to do it all, and he WILL show me.